On whether having a baby ruins your life or not
A list of pros and cons for anyone considering procreating
There’s been a lot in the culture recently about whether having a kid ruins your life. Last month, a 27-year-old pop star went viral for telling a podcaster all her friends with babies are unhappy and ‘in hell’, sparking a mini-furore online. Right or wrong, she definitely tapped into something. Birthrates are plummeting around the world, leading to reports sex may be dead. The threat of a third (or is it fourth?) recession since high school hangs over today’s generation of 30-somethings, meaning parenthood feels financially risky.
In this era of scarcity, personal fulfilment and ‘wellness’ has displaced material success as the great aspiration of our times, and there is sneaking suspicion this may be best achieved by devoting what scant resources we have to our own development and happiness, rather than some mewling offspring. At least that’s the impression you get from TikTok, where the feed of any expectant father is replete with other fathers talking about how tough, unforgiving and soul-crushing fatherhood is – I know, because that’s been my feed for the past year or so. It was a fairly depressing experience; one which made me wonder if my deep desire to have a child might be some kind of biological trap. What if I got to the other side and it turned out the ‘real talk’-ers were right.
Our daughter was born in January, so I’m only 5 months into being a Dad. This means I can only really reflect on the very early stages of it all. I will add to this that I am lucky enough to have a great partner, live in my own home, and earn a comfortable salary: all things that make child-rearing easier, obviously. I’m also 40 fucking years old, which means I’ve had a chance to work through more of my shit than if I’d become a father at 20, or 30. That makes a big difference, too.
With those caveats firmly in place, I thought I’d share an honest list of the pros and cons I’ve discovered about becoming a father, in the hope of making a small contribution to the debate and perhaps help others make up their mind.
PROS
When babies are very, very new, they sneeze and nothing comes out. Not a bead of snot; not even water. It’s literally just air. This is something everyone should witness. It’s no good waiting a few weeks and visiting a friend’s baby: their pipes will be compromised by then. To see a human fresh out of the box, you need to have one yourself.
See also: the feeling of them curling up asleep on your chest with their legs up like a little frog, or a snail without its shell. Which makes you realise – wait a minute! - I am their shell.
The smell of your baby will hit you like a cross between the life-affirming wholesomeness of freshly cut grass and the moorish buzz of a line of good cocaine. You’ll drink in that little scalp like it’s the last glass of wine on a sinking cruise liner.
A baby waking up from a deep sleep is one of the most complete dramatic performances you’ll ever see. Never mind Bryan Cranston in Breaking Bad or Glenda Jackson’s Lear. This babbling soliloquy of smiles, grimaces and churning limbs covers the full panoply of human emotion in the space of two minutes. And you get to see it every single day.
Perhaps the greatest sleight-of-hand nature has ever played is that changing your baby’s nappy is enjoyable, because even though you’re basically dealing with faeces, it’s a few minutes of them on their back, staring at you with unfiltered love and wonder. How often in life do you get looked at with unfiltered love and wonder? Not at the pub, that’s for sure!
Have you ever made a friend laugh? Feels good, doesn’t it. But wait. What if they didn’t really mean it? What if they’re faking it or just humouring you? It can be hard to tell if that hit of approval is real or not. Baby’s giggles aren’t like that. They are hard-earned pearls of pure, uncut delight – and the feeling you get in response matches that. It makes pretending to be a cow at 5am feel like you’re Live in Concert-era Richard Pryor.
If, like me, you do the traditional Dad thing of going to work while your partner is on maternity leave, your heart will acquire a kind of dull throb as you go about your day. The closest approximation, I think, is the sad-lonely feeling of breaking up with someone. You miss them, basically. But! When you walk back into the house each evening, you get a moment of joyful reconciliation that blows the day’s bullshit away in an instant. This is good living.
OK - you know all those TikTok videos of alpha male influencers telling you to find your purpose and ‘lock the fuck in’? That’s what having a baby does to you automatically. I remember interviewing the actor Matthew McConaughey about ten years ago and him telling me that a man is never more focused, powerful or driven than in the first year after he becomes a father. “Whatever you’re doing, man, just double down” he told me. Turns out, he was right. It’s a hell of a lot easier to lock the fuck in when you’re locking the fuck in for someone other than yourself. Who knew.
Pushing a pram around a park is, surprisingly, the most masculine I think I’ve ever felt. Think about it. You’re literally driving – in a way that feels vaguely like go-karting – the most precious cargo that will ever exist. And you can kinda flex your traps and triceps – while covering up your stomach – as you’re doing it. Sexy.
A small addition to the above: suddenly, women, children and the elderly are getting out of your way in the street or shop doorways. Cars stop to let you cross the road. You get to experience life as someone society deems worthy of compassion and assistance. For most men, that’s pretty mind-blowing.
Before Olive was born, I thought I was going to trade pleasure for purpose, like I was about to become Batman or something. And for sure, the early hour wake ups and long stretches walking in circles around your living room until they fall asleep can feel like a kind of noble grind. But outside that, there’s so much more fun than I was expecting. Dancing in the kitchen. Finding your inner local am-dram thesp when reading a picture book out loud. Tossing her three inches up in the air and feeling like a one-man Oblivion ride. I haven’t enjoyed myself as much in years, and she’s not even saying or doing anything yet.
Pride. Hard to feel in yourself, isn’t it? Even when you’ve achieved something momentous after years of dedicated hard work. You might manage to squeeze three seconds or so out of that before the old self-doubt creeps in. But pride in your baby? A piece of piss. A nurse saying the words “she’s putting on weight really well" or seeing them manage to hold their heads up for 0.5 seconds will have you overflowing like an Oktoberfest tankard.
Watching your partner become a mother is like witnessing 1990-91 season Jordan, the Federer run of 2006 or Maradona in Mexico. From the second they close their eyes to push while you uselessly fiddle with a Stanley Cup, to the breastfeeding (if they’re doing it) and general sorting-shit-out that awaits on the other side, motherhood is basically elite human performance on every level. Trying to complement or match that is tough, but you’re in the slipstream of greatness in a way you probably never will be again.
If you’re lucky, having a baby will bring the best out in everyone you know. The doormat will be covered in cards. Amazon boxes will line your hall. Texts will flood in at all hours. Your friends will remember they love you – and show it. Your family will have a new way to tell you they love you – and take it. Everyone gets a kind of spiritual do-over. The past is the past. The present is the present plus the future. There is a new nucleus of joy and solidarity in your life, not just with your partner but everyone who truly matters to you.
Perspective. You’ve always wanted it, now you’ve got it! Compared to knowing my daughter is safe and happy, I don’t care anymore how prestigious people think my job is, if my book does well or not, if anyone thinks I’m smart or funny or talented. I’ll still try at those things, because life still needs living. But really, I only have one purpose that matters now, which is helping another small human flourish. It’s a big job, but at least it’s only one.
CONS
I haven’t managed to get very far in Assassin’s Creed: Shadows yet.
I hope this helps.
Good Anger: how rethinking rage can changes our lives can be pre-ordered at Amazon or Waterstones.
Why am I crying by the time I read con?!🤣 Perfectly delivered. Love this and I think you should do a new one every year of your daughter’s life to see how the good and hard things all change
I am four weeks postpartum and all of this is so true. My husband and I are so ridiculously happy, we are just grinning like idiots all day and talking about how much we love this little angel. I’m exhausted, but I’m sad when I go to bed or take a nap because I miss my baby! He does the same things every baby does, but for some reason to his doofus parents, everything he does from his little cries to his farts is perfect, hilarious, or the most adorable thing in the world.