I have been thinking so much about this now I have a 2 and half month old. It is so easy to get distracted by your phone, but even at this age they watch you.
You can have all these ideas to not raise screen addicted kids, but really they need to see you setting the example.
I totally agree with no screens whilst out. I think it is super important for the kids to be included in the conversations when out at restaurants/cafes. It is how they learn and develop social skills. It is sad when you see kids on screens and their parents also on screens and no one is talking to each other.
Yes it spooks me how drawn my daughter's eyes are to my phone screen already! I will be happy with books / crayons at the dinner table I think but I agree I am not keen on the screens. Congrats and good luck with your newborn!
I've been trying my best with this but if I don't put something into my to-do list straightaway, or look something up that's important - it's gone! I tried a notepad but I would forget the notepad. I've copied your sister's guidelines, but what I've been tending to do is only do my browsing outside of view (cooking, bathroom, night time) and then I explain to him why I'm using it in front of him ("I'm just changing the music" etc) - that way he sees the phone as a tool and not as a thing to obsess over. Thanks for the list!
I don't have children, but my husband and I talk about this often whenever we discuss about how we'd like to parent in the future. Tech/social media definitely feel like one of the scariest landscapes for parents right now, so it's so nice to hear other people thinking about this (and success with people like your sister!).
Thank you for sharing! Bookmarked for future-parent me. :)
I worry about these things too! I think these guidelines make a great deal of sense but one thing I wonder about: I grew up without smartphones, I got my first (brick) cell phone at 16, my first laptop in college, and yet I still managed to become totally compulsive and conflicted about my own smartphone use as an adult, despite having an upbringing that basically looks like what your nephews are experiencing at present. I think that's true of a lot of people my age (late thirties), too. None of which is to say there's no point in trying, of course, only that I don't know what to make of it all.
Yeah that's a very good point. I suppose the theory is that it's less harmful for us to become addicted to our smartphones as adults because our brains are fully formed, whereas with kids the same habit can stunt their growth (in both senses of the word) and impact their mental health more. It's all very difficult indeed.
and it's always a moving target! Anything I can do to make my own phone duller, less interesting, less attractive to scroll through helps, although I periodically drift away from the most helpful techniques and have to shove myself back towards them every couple of months or so.
I’ve thought about this and have two points that inspire me:
1- giving my kids a low tech life has short term benefits of mental health, and long term benefits of MEMORIES and true knowledge of what analog life is like. They will at least know it’s there.
2- Cal Newport writes about how we now know the addictive nature and abusive techniques social media companies use. They essentially are buying our life by buying our attention. I didn’t know that when I was in college and Facebook first came out. Knowledge is power.
Thanks Taylor. Both really interesting points. I sometimes worry that it's all hopeless or even somehow backwards to try and fight for an analog life (for me or my daughter). But then I remember that while the iPhone and computing itself is a technology that has progressed us as a species, to your second point, the thing that makes them addictive – social media – most certainly is not.
Mostly I just got pissed when I realized “instagram is not a benevolent company who cares about you or your friends. They just want your eyeballs on their app so they can sell ads. Ads = attention. Attention = time. Time = life.” That’s more or less the thesis of “digital minimalism.”
We’ve got 3 kids under ten and I just want to strongly encourage you that it’s so worth it, for the kids and for us! Stick to it and you will NOT regret it.
Absolutely. I literally woke up thinking about this today. I failed hard here. My ex gave our boys unlimited access and encouraged gaming – and I didn’t want to be the bad guy, in case they decided his house was more fun. That pressure kept me silent longer than I’d like to admit.
Thanks for sharing. That does sound like a really tough dilemma. It's so hard to be aligned as a couple, can only imagine how tricky that is over two seperate locations!
Yes - choosing the right partner is so important… My kids survived though, and are living productive lives in their mid-twenties. Raising kids is equal parts terrifying and fascinating. I feel so lucky!
I’m reading this as my 1 month old naps on my chest 🫠 but I do think these guidelines are good ones to follow! Kids are “monkey see, monkey do” so it makes sense to reduce or limit your own usage in their presence. I’ve started following the Logging Off Club on Substack for advice and ideas!
I heard a piece of advice somewhere that I thought was interesting, and that was that when it comes to screens, bigger is better. What they mean by that is the smaller the screen, the more damaging it has the potential to become. Larger screens are more conducive to more enriching experiences, as they allow the experienced to be shared communally.
For instance, instead of giving your kid a small, private TV in their own room for video games, have them play on a big TV in an area like a living room where everyone can be a part of it. This reduces the vacuum effect of a game pulling them in for hours at a time and keeps them at least physically connected to everyone else in the house. The visibility of what they are playing/watching makes them aware of what goes on in the game and provides a healthy amount of self-consciousness that leads them to maybe think twice about what media they are willing to indulge in around others.
Also, parents should encourage local multiplayer style games. :) I cannot wait until my kid is old enough to play MarioKart. Haha. I would have been thrilled to have my dad playing multiplayer games with me when I was young. Online games with their friends could be fun too in moderation, but nothing beats sitting on the couch together bumping shoulders while working together or competing!
I'm hopeful there may be a bit of rebellion on the part of younger generations growing up witnessing their parents be addicted to phones. The TV was on in my house 100% of the time when I was a kid (cable news, UGH) and I really hate TV now. Like actively hate it and don't enjoy watching anything (I do like podcasts though, mostly because I can do something while listening to them, not glued to the screen). I witnessed my mom's brain get really messed up with that TV and I basically find TV especially cable news disgusting now.
My daughter has noticed that her dad for example is on his phone or computer all the time and when we were recently talking about what superpowers we wished we had, she said she wished her dad had the superpower of not being addicted to screens (yes, I recognize how incredibly sad that is). These kids are growing up watching the adults around them behave like zombies, and feeling the effects of it themselves, and wishing adults were different. They're probably not going to grow up thinking that spending their lives glued to screens is super fun and awesome (though of course, that is what children of addicts to substances think also, but addiction has a way of pulling you in even when you resist it).
Where I live, being drunk in public is considered embarrassing. Having a general lack of self control is considered sad and pathetic. I wonder if potentially being on your phone in public may become embarrassing, and social norms may evolve so that it's looked down upon to be constantly on your phone? One can dream!
This isn’t my idea but someone else talked about narrating what they are doing on their phone to their baby as a way of realising what a waste of time it is! But it can also be helpful and realistic - eg narrating that we are using maps, or a travel app while travelling. And I’m not going to lie - podcasts playing on mg phone really saved my sanity during tummy time.
Our family follows many of the same rules, our daughter is 5. We do no personal screens at all and strive for no tv on weekdays. No screens at restaurants/meals and no screens in cars are the big ones that have reaped the best results. We have an annual family trip that requires 14 hours of driving (before stopping added in) and she is an absolute champion.
I think the biggest motivator for us is seeing all of the cool things she finds to do without the distraction of screens. She makes really cool Lego and magnatile buildings, draws and crafts, sets elaborate “traps” in her room to catch monsters. She will zone in on a tv show as much as any other kid and enjoys certain shows and movies at lot. But she just has so much more fun without them.
Filling your time with fun stuff is absolutely critical. You have to replace the dopamine of screens with the dopamine of life. Then you don't even notice the lack of screens.
I have been thinking so much about this now I have a 2 and half month old. It is so easy to get distracted by your phone, but even at this age they watch you.
You can have all these ideas to not raise screen addicted kids, but really they need to see you setting the example.
I totally agree with no screens whilst out. I think it is super important for the kids to be included in the conversations when out at restaurants/cafes. It is how they learn and develop social skills. It is sad when you see kids on screens and their parents also on screens and no one is talking to each other.
Yes it spooks me how drawn my daughter's eyes are to my phone screen already! I will be happy with books / crayons at the dinner table I think but I agree I am not keen on the screens. Congrats and good luck with your newborn!
I've been trying my best with this but if I don't put something into my to-do list straightaway, or look something up that's important - it's gone! I tried a notepad but I would forget the notepad. I've copied your sister's guidelines, but what I've been tending to do is only do my browsing outside of view (cooking, bathroom, night time) and then I explain to him why I'm using it in front of him ("I'm just changing the music" etc) - that way he sees the phone as a tool and not as a thing to obsess over. Thanks for the list!
Thanks Adam. I love the ‘showing it’s a tool’ principle and will use that too. Good luck!
I don't have children, but my husband and I talk about this often whenever we discuss about how we'd like to parent in the future. Tech/social media definitely feel like one of the scariest landscapes for parents right now, so it's so nice to hear other people thinking about this (and success with people like your sister!).
Thank you for sharing! Bookmarked for future-parent me. :)
Thanks so much Kristina!
I worry about these things too! I think these guidelines make a great deal of sense but one thing I wonder about: I grew up without smartphones, I got my first (brick) cell phone at 16, my first laptop in college, and yet I still managed to become totally compulsive and conflicted about my own smartphone use as an adult, despite having an upbringing that basically looks like what your nephews are experiencing at present. I think that's true of a lot of people my age (late thirties), too. None of which is to say there's no point in trying, of course, only that I don't know what to make of it all.
Yeah that's a very good point. I suppose the theory is that it's less harmful for us to become addicted to our smartphones as adults because our brains are fully formed, whereas with kids the same habit can stunt their growth (in both senses of the word) and impact their mental health more. It's all very difficult indeed.
and it's always a moving target! Anything I can do to make my own phone duller, less interesting, less attractive to scroll through helps, although I periodically drift away from the most helpful techniques and have to shove myself back towards them every couple of months or so.
Only one thing left for it. Throw them in the sea! (Then, let’s face it, probably dive in after them afterwards 😂)
I’ve thought about this and have two points that inspire me:
1- giving my kids a low tech life has short term benefits of mental health, and long term benefits of MEMORIES and true knowledge of what analog life is like. They will at least know it’s there.
2- Cal Newport writes about how we now know the addictive nature and abusive techniques social media companies use. They essentially are buying our life by buying our attention. I didn’t know that when I was in college and Facebook first came out. Knowledge is power.
Thanks Taylor. Both really interesting points. I sometimes worry that it's all hopeless or even somehow backwards to try and fight for an analog life (for me or my daughter). But then I remember that while the iPhone and computing itself is a technology that has progressed us as a species, to your second point, the thing that makes them addictive – social media – most certainly is not.
Mostly I just got pissed when I realized “instagram is not a benevolent company who cares about you or your friends. They just want your eyeballs on their app so they can sell ads. Ads = attention. Attention = time. Time = life.” That’s more or less the thesis of “digital minimalism.”
We’ve got 3 kids under ten and I just want to strongly encourage you that it’s so worth it, for the kids and for us! Stick to it and you will NOT regret it.
Absolutely. I literally woke up thinking about this today. I failed hard here. My ex gave our boys unlimited access and encouraged gaming – and I didn’t want to be the bad guy, in case they decided his house was more fun. That pressure kept me silent longer than I’d like to admit.
This hit so close to home I ended up writing about it in this Note - how hard it is to preserve what matters in a culture that rewards distraction. https://substack.com/@thebenthalls/note/c-141986574
What you wrote is timely. And motivating. Thank you.
Thanks for sharing. That does sound like a really tough dilemma. It's so hard to be aligned as a couple, can only imagine how tricky that is over two seperate locations!
Yes - choosing the right partner is so important… My kids survived though, and are living productive lives in their mid-twenties. Raising kids is equal parts terrifying and fascinating. I feel so lucky!
They sound like a credit to you. My partner and I are only seven months in so it's all incredibly new (and tiring!)
So generous of you to say - and I’ll take it! All the best to you and your new family 💪❤️
I’m reading this as my 1 month old naps on my chest 🫠 but I do think these guidelines are good ones to follow! Kids are “monkey see, monkey do” so it makes sense to reduce or limit your own usage in their presence. I’ve started following the Logging Off Club on Substack for advice and ideas!
Thank you! That sounds great I’ll check it out. Good luck with the little one.
I heard a piece of advice somewhere that I thought was interesting, and that was that when it comes to screens, bigger is better. What they mean by that is the smaller the screen, the more damaging it has the potential to become. Larger screens are more conducive to more enriching experiences, as they allow the experienced to be shared communally.
For instance, instead of giving your kid a small, private TV in their own room for video games, have them play on a big TV in an area like a living room where everyone can be a part of it. This reduces the vacuum effect of a game pulling them in for hours at a time and keeps them at least physically connected to everyone else in the house. The visibility of what they are playing/watching makes them aware of what goes on in the game and provides a healthy amount of self-consciousness that leads them to maybe think twice about what media they are willing to indulge in around others.
Also, parents should encourage local multiplayer style games. :) I cannot wait until my kid is old enough to play MarioKart. Haha. I would have been thrilled to have my dad playing multiplayer games with me when I was young. Online games with their friends could be fun too in moderation, but nothing beats sitting on the couch together bumping shoulders while working together or competing!
I'm hopeful there may be a bit of rebellion on the part of younger generations growing up witnessing their parents be addicted to phones. The TV was on in my house 100% of the time when I was a kid (cable news, UGH) and I really hate TV now. Like actively hate it and don't enjoy watching anything (I do like podcasts though, mostly because I can do something while listening to them, not glued to the screen). I witnessed my mom's brain get really messed up with that TV and I basically find TV especially cable news disgusting now.
My daughter has noticed that her dad for example is on his phone or computer all the time and when we were recently talking about what superpowers we wished we had, she said she wished her dad had the superpower of not being addicted to screens (yes, I recognize how incredibly sad that is). These kids are growing up watching the adults around them behave like zombies, and feeling the effects of it themselves, and wishing adults were different. They're probably not going to grow up thinking that spending their lives glued to screens is super fun and awesome (though of course, that is what children of addicts to substances think also, but addiction has a way of pulling you in even when you resist it).
Where I live, being drunk in public is considered embarrassing. Having a general lack of self control is considered sad and pathetic. I wonder if potentially being on your phone in public may become embarrassing, and social norms may evolve so that it's looked down upon to be constantly on your phone? One can dream!
This isn’t my idea but someone else talked about narrating what they are doing on their phone to their baby as a way of realising what a waste of time it is! But it can also be helpful and realistic - eg narrating that we are using maps, or a travel app while travelling. And I’m not going to lie - podcasts playing on mg phone really saved my sanity during tummy time.
Our family follows many of the same rules, our daughter is 5. We do no personal screens at all and strive for no tv on weekdays. No screens at restaurants/meals and no screens in cars are the big ones that have reaped the best results. We have an annual family trip that requires 14 hours of driving (before stopping added in) and she is an absolute champion.
I think the biggest motivator for us is seeing all of the cool things she finds to do without the distraction of screens. She makes really cool Lego and magnatile buildings, draws and crafts, sets elaborate “traps” in her room to catch monsters. She will zone in on a tv show as much as any other kid and enjoys certain shows and movies at lot. But she just has so much more fun without them.
Filling your time with fun stuff is absolutely critical. You have to replace the dopamine of screens with the dopamine of life. Then you don't even notice the lack of screens.